Four men of the cloth, taking a short breather from their heavy schedules, were on a park bench, chatting and enjoying an early spring day. "You know, since all of us are such good friends," said one, "this might be a good time to discuss the problems that are disturbing us." They all nodded in agreement. Well, I would like to share with you the fact that I drink to excess," said one. There was a gasp from the other three. Then another spoke up. "Since you were so honest, I'd like to say that my big problem is gambling. It's terrible, I know, but I can't quit. I've even been tempted to take money from the collection plate." Another gasp was heard, and the third clergyman spoke. "I'm really troubled, brothers, because I'm sleep every afternoon for 4 hours in my office." More gasps. But the fourth man remained silent. After a few minutes, the others coaxed him to open up. "The fact is," he said, "I just don't know how to tell you about my problem." "It's all right, brother. Your secret is safe with us." "Well, it's this way," he said. "You see, I'm an incurable gossip."
This is just a humorous story, but still, we know the point that the story makes. All the sudden, the confession takes on a completely new tone. Is it possible that we could share too much in a prayer setting? Is it possible that we could cross a line and gossip in a prayer time? We all know this is possible.
Much contemporary writing on gossip is unacceptable and gossip is often deemed as helpful and necessary. The Social Issues Research Center reports that: "Whatever its moral status, there is certainly some evidence to suggest that gossip is a deep-seated human instinct: evolutionary psychologists have compared the evolution of gossip in humans with the practice of 'social grooming' among chimps - where the animals spend hours grooming each other's fur, even when they are perfectly clean, as a form of social bonding. This would indicate that gossip, far from being a trivial pastime, actually performs a vital and socially therapeutic function."
I can personally say that "gossip therapy" has never benefited me very much. Gossip is defined a number of different ways. One definition of gossip is just simply idle talk, or unnecessary talk of a negative nature. Some would say it is talk that tears down and does not build up.
My favorite understanding of gossip comes by contrasting it with flattery. Flattery is saying something in someone's presence that you would not say behind their back. In contrast, gossip is saying something behind someone's back that you would be reluctant to say in their presence. I know the feeling, like most of you, of saying something negative about someone and then realizing they have likely heard me. Sometimes the person walks in or was nearby. This is an uncomfortable feeling and indicates words that should never have been said.
So what does this have to do with prayer? It is possible for us to pray or share prayer requests in a way that is gossip. Here are several things to consider about group prayer to avoid gossip.
Proverbs 11:13 A gossip goes around revealing a secret, but the trustworthy keeps a confidence.
I am keenly aware that some things should not be kept a secret. This is especially true if someone is in danger for example. But, using prayer to deliver or gain the inside scoop on others is not about prayer - it's just gossip. Be a good friend and know what is OK to share and what is not. You might ask your friend, may I share this with others when I pray? If there is any doubt about the answer, you probably should not share the information. This is important in areas of personal weakness, marital issues, or conflict with other believers. If your neighbors are struggling in their marriage, a better prayer request might be for you to have God's wisdom and love for your neighbor, rather than to share the explicit details of the conflict.
Proverbs 20:19 The one who reveals secrets is a constant gossip; avoid someone with a big mouth.
There are some things you just shouldn't want to know. In some cases, you cannot share what you know in prayer because you never should have been told the information in the first place. I had a friend some years ago who walked out of a seminary class and said, "That professor so and so is so arrogant. I don't like him. He drives me..." I said, "Stop right there. You didn't say it and I didn't hear it. Now, what else would you like to talk about? We both knew immediately that this was a conversation we could not have. Beloved, there are some feelings, thoughts, and emotions that you can only share with God. Do not allow what looks like sympathy to another to be an excuse for someone to share things that should not be said.
Psalms 19:14 May the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be acceptable to You, LORD, my rock and my Redeemer.
If somebody says, "I hope you won't mind me telling you this," it's pretty certain you will. I catch myself saying. "I shouldn't say this but..." If you shouldn't say it, don't say it. One of the best ways to end a rumor is to ask if you may quote the individual passing it along. If the person says no, it's possible that the rumor is just idle talk. If you like to spread news about others, ask yourself if you would want someone to quote you. A negative answer is a good sign you should not listen in the first place, or if it is too late, keep your lips sealed on the matter. A positive response should lead not to back-fence reporting but to up-front discussions and confrontations.
A rule of thumb about what you can share comes from the acronym think. Ask the following questions before you share information:
Proverbs 26:20-22 Without wood, fire goes out; without a gossip, conflict dies down. As charcoal for embers and wood for fire, so is a quarrelsome man for kindling strife. A gossip's words are like choice food that goes down to one's innermost being.
We must all be on guard to share rightly. Sometimes we accidentally share something inappropriate. Some warning clues are statements like:
Love one another enough to avoid saying things that shouldn't be said in the first place, and love each other enough to help and be helped in this area. Most honest Christians will admit that we all need a little help in this department from time to time.
Mildred needed to learn this lesson. Mildred, the church gossip, and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business. Several members did not approve of her extra curricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence. She made a mistake, however, when she accused George, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon. She emphatically told George and several others that everyone seeing it there would know exactly what he was doing. George, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny. He said nothing. Later that evening, George quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house ... walked home ... and left it there all night.
Let us commit to Ephesians 4:29, "Let no worthless word come out of your mouth, but only that which is good for building up others according to their need, that it might give grace to the one who hears it." (Author's translation)
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Copyright © 2005 by Kevin Binkley